Breaking up is hard to do

Whew,

Kind of a rough week here.  One of my very best friends found himself starting a “trial separation”  with his wife of 5ish years.  While many of us who’ve known them had an idea there were issues, the news was a shock to him.

I was the Best Man at their wedding, helped them move and everything else that happens when people are close.  Now he’s oscillating between devastatingly sad and self-righteously angry.  We’ve had a few conversations and shared some texts.  I’m not sure if I’ve been supportive enough or too prodding or too blunt, but I’m doing my best to support someone I really care about from a distance.

As a counselor, it’s created a slight discord in my head.  I’m lucky enough that I’ve helped more people through difficult times as a counselor than as a friend, so I’m constantly wondering where that elusive line lies during my conversations with him.  As friend, I know I need to be supportive, but do I support behavior and emotions that are scattered and messy?  Sure, right now I do when everything is raw and there’s a lot of unknown ahead, but when do I make the subtle shift from “Yeah, that sucks,” to “Hey, have you gone outside today?”

This news, of course, also started a conversation between my wife and I about marriage.  I’m not worried about our marriage, I think we’re both open and honest with one another to talk before things got to that point.  But it did start some good talks about relationships, both ours and those around us, and what we see as good and bad parts.

We’re both peeling away layers this winter.  I’ve got some stability in my working life, and looking outward and inward with the extra energy.  How do I want to look?  How do I want to feel?  How do I incorporate those things into a spiritual and prayer life?  Kelly’s (not her real name) peeling back layers about what she wants from a career, how to take care of her body and what it means to be feminine when your body doesn’t always feel the way you want it to feel.

So we’re both peeling back some pretty extensive layers that, of course, affect our marriage.  In the past two months, we’ve had huge talks about clothes, money, sex, free time, religion and just general day to day things.  It’s not always easy, but we’re trying to redefine ourselves while figuring out how those redefinitions work within our marriage.  A lot of complexity and a lot of plates spinning at the same time, but these are such good conversations to have.