Don't be a writer, be a man of God who writes

Playfully smiling in the shade is how we
should all think of contemplative prayer.

Finishing Thomas Merton’s Seven Storey Mountain feels like quite an accomplishment.  Dense writing combines with heavy theology combines with my own dislike for memoirs and autobiographies (I rarely care about childhood friends or their parents) might make you think this was a chore to finish.  

In a way, I suppose it had those moments.  The first 2/3rds of the book are spent on Merton’s childhood and as a young adult going to college in New York City.  It’s overly descriptive and focuses on factual happenings.  Merton’s lack of depth either speaks to his own unawareness at the time or his current disinterest in reflecting on past events. This time in his life feels hollow to him as a writer and comes off as shallow to the reader. Brief moments within the shallows, however, find Merton pondering if something greater is out in the world, reminding us of the spiritual depth he’ll soon discover in himself.  

The rapid movement from self-centered intellectual to trappist monk feels a little abrupt, but no more than it did for Merton.  I reread whole chapters in the last third of the book just to keep up with his quickly evolving spirituality and life.

Three things stuck out for me while reading this last section:

1.  Merton’s astonishing sense of self-sacrifice associated with his faith.  Faith through sacrifice isn’t something we hear very often in today’s world. For Merton, a lack of sacrifice meant a lack of meaning. He became Catholic and sought the priesthood not because he loved everything in his life but because he felt unfulfilled with his life. He originally contemplated joining the Franciscans because his personality naturally fit with with their order, but would putting a square peg in a square hole bring him the spiritual satisfaction he craved?

Somehow, sacrificing sex and money didn’t carve enough of him out to make room for God.  Without sacrifice, there could be no spiritual gain for Merton.  Joining the trappists and embracing worldly sacrifice gave Merton the focus he needed to embrace God entirely.

2.   Merton’s writing style changes in the book from factual to meaningful, which is a line I struggle to straddle most days.  I’m a linear thinker (A leads to B leads to C...) and I easily fall into a linear trap when approaching my days.  Seriously, sometimes Kelly comes home, asks me about my day and I relay the order of my day (I went to work, I answered the phone, I wrote some emails) instead of telling her about my day (I’m kind of tired, this conversation really made me think, I’ve been craving breakfast for dinner all day).  Factual vs. emotive  isn’t the right phrasing, but it’s pretty close.  

When Merton hits the last third of his book, his writing goes from relaying information to really wading into heavy topics.  He recognizes his vocation called him to the sudden depth he found himself.  When I’m rooted and healthy, my mind moves to places beyond the daily happenings around me.  I write more.  I exercise more.  I have conversations more often.  A lot of my early life centered on moving linearly from place to place, recognizing an unfulfillment in me but not knowing what to make of it.  I’m not about to join a trappist order (sacrificing sex sounds awful) but I love the path Merton laid out and his ability to express the depth he discovered within his sacrifice.   

3. Most of us, when we imagine trappist monks, we think of priests sitting silently in a room praying endlessly.  In reality, Merton became a farm hand on a functional farm cut off from most of the world.  He learned how to actively pray in order to accomplish his daily chores while remaining in constant contact with God through prayer.  Not at all what he was expecting.

Side Note:  All three of these things happened in the last third of the book.  Seriously, just skim the first 2/3rds.  You won’t miss much.

Kelly knew me for a year before we dated.  Was she waiting and hoping I’d notice her during that year?  Nope.  She actively hated me.  This is a woman who values kindness above all else, and yet managed to tell everyone she knew how much she disliked me. A little full of my own nebulous abilities and an overall belief that I had an internet fueled witty answer to everything kept her at arms reach.  I loved the celebrity that came with being a leader on a small college campus and she hated the ego that came with it.

Fast forward a lot, and now I’m a leader in a small school as a guidance counselor. I came to understand my own pitfalls associated with professional titles and pushed them aside to embrace contemplative simplicity and a career focused on helping others.  Lately, I’ve found myself in situations where a leader is needed and I see the path the leader needs to take.  I’m intimidated not by the challenges this represents but by the possibility of slipping into a linear thinking stratagem that accomplishes a lot but leaves me unfulfilled at the end of the day.

The key, and I think Merton would agree, is to take the path in front of you while embracing the sacrifices needed to maintain a contemplative prayer life.  Contemplative prayer may not make me a great leader, but it’ll help me be a great ‘me’ as I lead.

Thoughtful Conservative Manifesto: Introduction

Don’t think my lack of writing implies a lack of worthwhile ideas or an abandonment for my tens of readers.  I’ve been avoiding an idea since election day, and that avoidance, not unexpectedly, repelled all other blogging intentions.  In fact, my commitment to my avoidance became so serious I thought of posting this just to post something.

Perhaps I needed to hit rock bottom, or at least think about hitting rock bottom, to understand that an idea that won’t let go isn’t something to fear.  It’s just a thing that needs to be done.

So lets just say what I’ve been thinking about for most of November:  I wasn’t excited to vote for President Obama in 2012, I was resigned to it.

See, I remember being excited to vote in 2008.  When Obama appeared offering intellectualism, change and hope for a better way of doing things I jumped right in line.  The previous eight years felt dysfunctional and the idea of ‘change’ rang true with me and a lot of other people.

So if I’m anything but excited to vote for Obama in 2012, does that mean I voted for Romney?  Hell, no.  The Republicans offered nothing new and seemed to think their sneering disdain for any idea not conceived in the 1980s would win me over.  You know what else wasn’t around in 1982?  High speed internet, global warming and me.  Their refusal to acknowledge the impact these things may have on potential solutions felt inauthentic and manipulative.  Stop telling me about Big Bird and tax cuts.  You should have been telling me about overhauling Social Security and giving specifics on how to fix the deficit that make sense.  

Still, though, I remain someone who values personal responsibility, a strong national defense and a belief that most large bureaucratic bodies are worthlessly inefficient.   The national debt scares the hell out of me and I think the Democrats unwillingness to challenge teacher’s unions is suffocating our public school system. So where's my political party? I'm not sure.

So this idea that’s been stalking my thoughts isn’t a declaration to a political party or an indepth breakdown of issues or even predictions for the future.  It’s the admission and expansion of a realization I’ve come to recently:  I’m a thoughtful conservative.

More to come...

I bought an Iphone and kind of hate myself for it...

Lets start this thought process out by admitting something:  I’ve used Apple computers exclusively since 2006.  When the Dell laptop my parents bought me for college died, I started looking around at my options.  I loved my new ipod and the software that came with it, and was intrigued by Apple’s “It just works” buzz amongst people.  So I bought my first Mac in January of 2006 and left Microsoft behind without any regrets.  

Now lets admit something else:  I love Google.  Love it.  I was an early adopter of gmail, and quickly jump ship to any new product they put out.  Google Maps?  So long Mapquest.  Google Music?  Love it.  Google+?  I tried it but teaching my Mom to use 1 social media website was tough enough.  

I loved Apple because they did what they did well and didn’t worry about being anyone’s fastest shiniest option.  Could I have bought a more powerful laptop for less money in 2006?  Absolutely.  Would it have lasted as long or worked as well as my little iMac?  Hell, no.  That was what was so great about Macs.  I left the rat race of faster processors, endless software options and virus protection for something that was easy to use, did everything I wanted and didn’t worry about being the fastest kid on the block.  “Do what you do, and do it really well,” seemed to be the motto and I’d be lying if I didn’t internalize it a little bit.  

Google, on the other hand, was about innovation and giving me things that I didn’t know I even wanted.  When Gmail came out with enormous storage capacities, I remember shrugging my shoulders as to why anyone would need extra gigabytes of storage or why I’d need to search for individual words within one email out of thousands.  Two things, now, that feel absolutely necessary.  Not to mention the specificity and simplicity of it’s search engine, which is something we now take for granted.  They redefined online functionality and raised the bar as to what a website could be and do for it’s users.  

Lately, though, everything’s been getting screwed up.

Apple and Google both seem to have disregarded my original love for them (reliability & functionality) for new directions that feel hollow to me.  Apple suddenly wants to be the shiniest fastest kid on the block.  To their credit, they’ve retained the reliability that originally drew me to them, but it suddenly feels less that I’m making an informed decision when I buy their products and more like I’m just doing it b/c that’s what people do.  That lemming mentality bothers me and, quite frankly, pushes me to look at rival products more closely just to make sure I’m not going with the flow of people too easily.  

Maybe this is why I bought the Samsung Fascinate in 2010.

My overall Android experience has been okay, but not great.  I find myself back in the software updating world where each update brings it’s own mixture of solutions and problems.  Also, the overall feel of the Android OS system feels a bit more techy than than my comfort level allows.  

So when my upgrade rolled around this fall, I spent a lot of time looking at the Galaxy S III and the Iphone 5, and barely recognized the qualities that drew me to these companies in the first place.  Sure, the Iphone is sharp, works and is endlessly aesthetically pleasing.  But you know what?  I distrust people the minute people tell me I should trust them.  Same thing with food.  When you have to advertise the health benefits of a food, it’s probably not that healthy at the start.  So the fact that Apple needs to tell us over and over and over again how special the Iphone 5 is going to be and how they really worked hard to make the ultimate phone makes me suddenly wonder why they’re trying so hard.

And Apple Maps?  Do you think I would have spent my hard earned post-undergrad money on an ibook G4 if there was a chance that one of the Apple made programs (iphoto, itunes, garage band, etc) was an abysmal failure?  

And Android?  The endless tweeks that have gadgety people going nuts about doesn’t do much for me.  Neither does having to read endless reviews about the 8 different Android phones, their similarities and what makes each so unique.  Day dreaming about my ideal Android phone (if only I could combine the HTC One X with blah blah blah) is not how I want to spend my time.  Ever.  Where’s the Google that made everything so easy to use?  The Google that told me I wanted unlimited email storage (or close to it) without me asking for it?  Or where I could upload 20,000 songs for free to listen through a browser?  I sure as hell didn’t start using Google as a search engine because of the endlessly techy things I could do to personalize it.  

So I put in an order for Iphone 5 and kind of hate myself for it.  The thing that finally pushed me in that direction is that last year when I finally dropped my iBook G4 one too many times I decided to buy an iMac.  I love it, it’s big, it’s pretty and, most importantly, it just works.  The ability to sync everything up was too appealing, especially now that my wife decided to enter the smartphone world with a $50 Iphone 4 from Best Buy (which, of course, became free several weeks later when the Iphone 5 came out, but that’s life).  Plus, the ever expanding screen size of Android phones makes it more and more likely that it won’t fit in my pocket, which is still a deal breaker for me when it comes to cell phones.  

Apple:  I love your products but hate what you’ve become.  Google:  I feel bad, but the ability to sync up with our home computer won out in the end.  Maybe we can reconnect one day, but for now I’m with Apple, but not exclusively.  We can still see each other on the side.  

Evolving Bonfires

I’ve written about Todd Snider before, and it’s probably not that different from anything anyone else has ever said about him.  He’s witty.  He’s smart.  He’s an unapologetic tree huggin’, peace lovin’, pot smokin’, barefootin’, folk singin’ liberal, and damnit if I don’t love him for it.

He just makes so much sense and is able to articulate thoughts so clearly, not to mention making them funny and rhyming it all together.  He’s like a musical version of Jon Stewart who smokes a little more pot and doesn’t try quite as hard (probably because of the pot).

I was thinking about writing a review for his new album Agnostic Hymns and Stoner Fables, but I wanted to respect a line from a song in an earlier album that it’s unfair to judge a book (cover or no cover).  So instead, I thought I’d say why I didn’t like the album, even though it’s a good album, and that it says more about me than the quality of Snider’s music.  

I love Snider’s music because of the lyrical and musical clarity I mentioned earlier.  The lyrics, his guitar playing and the production are just really sharp both musically and lyrically.  Even Peace, Love & Anarchy, an album of demos, sounded pretty damned polished to me.  So when Agnostic Hymns and Stoner Fables suddenly veers away from the biting, witty and clean lyrics I was looking forward to hearing and moves towards some biting, witty and messy lyrics, I was left a little confused.

Not messy like clumsy, but messy like he’s singing falsetto and sort of rhyming thoughts into a song form but somtimes not and sort of singing clearly enough for me to understand him but sometimes not.  He’s still got a few witty zingers on the album, but I get the feeling that his heart is in these under-produced messy works where he’s growling out thoughts and wanting us to catch up to him.

And that’s where he loses me.  He’s never been that interested in people catching up to him in the past.  He’s always seemed content to dance bare-foot around a bonfire, watching it burn and singing his songs regardless of who’s there to listen.  It was that nonchalance that pulled me in when I heard “Talking Seattle Grunge Rock Blues” for the first time.   Now he wants me to keep up as he strings a lot of lyrics together in ways that are hard to follow.  

I know how this sounds:  “Wahhhh!  I want what I’ve always had!  Wahhhh!  New things are hard!,” and maybe there is a little bit of that in there with me.  On his website, though, he says his goal was to make a messy album that made kids want to vandalize their school.  My first thought (besides the fact that kids don’t listen to Snider, they listen to this) was that I don’t want people to vandalize their school because I work at their school.  Suddenly I’m not his audience, and that shift really took me by surprise.

I guess I’m trying to say that I don’t begrudge Snider to try new things (and he does them well on the album), I’m just wondering if the bonfire he danced around moved away from me or me from it.  

The fine art of being bored

 I recently spent 3 weeks in Europe, and discovered a lot about myself as I looked history that predates American history (which I love), topless beaches and the art of being bored.

Cadaques, Spain.  We spent 3 days here wandering through the city, eating tapas and enjoying the beaches.

The history was just humbling.  Being in Spain and talking about the Spanish conflict against the Moors that lasted 700 years was crazy to think about.  700 years.  That’s older than America.  Heck, that’s a longer period of time than people have been in America.   European people, at least.  Lets not get too racist this early in the summer.  Anyways, it was refreshing to in a place that takes such a long look at history.  There aren’t as many WWII enthusiasts b/c every country in Europe has seen better wars and had more decisive victories.  

The Alhambra, a Moorish palace built when they invaded Spain in 711 A.D.  The carvings on the pillars are the Qur'an and took 100 years to carve into the stone throughout the palace.   

As titillating (pun intended) as European topless beaches are for Americans, they get a little overwhelming at the same time.  Sure there’s some attractive ladies there, but there’s also Mom’s and their kids, Grandmas with grandkids and plenty of men in speedos.  Plenty.  Again, though, there was something refreshing about being in a place where human bodies, by themselves, aren’t sexual.  Sexuality is a personality trait that people show or they don’t, just like any other emotion or personality trait.  Sexuality isn’t boobs, sexuality is boobs combined with emotions and feelings.  Just boobs?  Not sexual.  

Did you think I was going to post a picture of a topless beach?  It's not that kind of blog.

One of the things, though, that I greatly appreciated about my time was the boredom.  Part of my trip was chaperoning kids on a schools sponsored tour complete with buses, schedules and tour guides.  Turns out the freeway in America is about as interesting as the freeway in Spain, so I had plenty of time to think, read and be really really bored.

You know what I realized, though?  I’m never bored at home.  Never.  As soon as I feel boredom creeping into my mind I reach for my phone, on demand Netflix or the internet.  Boredom, though, pushes me.  It propels me forward to be creative and really think about what I want from my time.

So, in my never ending quest to create a theory of living for myself that solves all of my problems in one giant swoop, I’ve decided that every day needs to be filled with ASO.  Active Spritual Output.

Do I look contemplative?  I'm hoping to go for contemplative.

Every day I need to be active (walking, hiking, jogging, biking, gym), spiritual (praying, reading, journaling, reflecting) and outputing (anything that isn’t passive sponging on my part, such as writing, playing guitar, coaching.  Pretty much anything where I’m putting something out instead of just sitting and taking in).  

Did I eat some good food?  Oh my God, yes.  Did I relax on the beach and have a wonderful time?  Yep.  I’m hoping, though, that my appreciation of my time moves beyond the “wonderful vacation” mode and really nudges me in a different direction.  

A picture of a pretty door?  Deep.

Chicago Reflection #2

A difficult thing for me is keeping my mind moving in active directions, as apposed to passively waiting for things to come to it.

I grew up in a quiet house, where watching TV and playing video games were almost always okay. I have strong memories of settling in each night at 7pm to watch TV for 2-3 hours before going to bed. Every night. I had plenty of activities outside my home to keep me active, but once inside, my eyes glazed over and my brain turned into passive mush.

When I’m passive, I’m waiting for things to come to me and I’m grumpy towards
anything and anyone asking me to break out of my rut. Early on, the depressing isolation I created for myself in college felt like a tomb.  The overwhelmingly active environment sent me spinning back to my dorm room to watch TV and cruise online (but not, sadly, to study).  People were always coming and going, and the only way to fall into my passive glaze involved isolating myself from their energy. That isolation became suffocating and only with the help of God and good people did I manage to break out of my stupor.

I’m not nearly that passive anymore, and I’ve come a long way in the last 10 years, but remaining active can still be challenging for someone who’s natural fallback is passivity. I’ve found things like having a people-centered job, exercising and not watching too much TV help me remain active, but lately I’ve been feeling out of balance again. I need to readjust my active and passive levels for this new and improved version of myself.

Things like personal appearance, sexuality and internet use still live in passive worlds and I’d like to find better balances for them. Right now with these topics, I sit back, let my brain go to mush and take whatever comes my way. Instead I want to be really intentional on how I approach these things and encounter them in my daily life.

I’m probably not going to discuss my sexuality too much on the web (I’m still a MidWesterner for God’s sake), but this blog offers a great way to focus my web use into something productive and enjoyable (as opposed to mindless and enjoyable). It also encourages me to follow through on the things I talk about. Accountability seems to rise when something is published, even when published on a blog on the internet.

Chicago Reflection #1

For my birthday, Kelly and I left our little house in Minneapolis and trekked to the
big city of Chicago for a weekend. Well, she has a work conference here, so it wasn’t
entirely for my birthday, but, either way, that means I have two days on my own in
the big city, and I’m doing my best not to waste them.

I love traveling and being in new cities, it reenergizes me and makes operate on
levels I may not reach in my day to day at home. We visited Austin a few years ago
and I loved the down-home feel mixed with city chic that emanated from everything.
We actually arrived the weekend after SXSW, and the entire city felt relaxed and
content. We slipped in, slipped out and loved every minute.

Chicago, of course, has a different feel than Austin or Minneapolis. It’s more
Midwest with an east coast polish than anything else.

The energy I get from these streets as I visit vintage clothing stores, used book
stores, hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurants and a posh downtown Indian
restaurant, is one of active energy. A determination by everyone and everything to
use every moment within the day as an expression of one’s self.

I do recognize that we’re staying in a hotel we wouldn’t normally be comfortable
affording (conference discount) in an area where most stores, restaurants and
homes signify a level of wealth I’ll never experience. I also recognize a lot of the
outward polish and confidence I see comes from that wealth and isn’t always
authentic.

Still, though, there’s a vibrancy here I want to internalize before I leave. One that
would exhaust me if I lived it every day, but propels me when taken in small doses.

Breaking up is hard to do

Whew,

Kind of a rough week here.  One of my very best friends found himself starting a “trial separation”  with his wife of 5ish years.  While many of us who’ve known them had an idea there were issues, the news was a shock to him.

I was the Best Man at their wedding, helped them move and everything else that happens when people are close.  Now he’s oscillating between devastatingly sad and self-righteously angry.  We’ve had a few conversations and shared some texts.  I’m not sure if I’ve been supportive enough or too prodding or too blunt, but I’m doing my best to support someone I really care about from a distance.

As a counselor, it’s created a slight discord in my head.  I’m lucky enough that I’ve helped more people through difficult times as a counselor than as a friend, so I’m constantly wondering where that elusive line lies during my conversations with him.  As friend, I know I need to be supportive, but do I support behavior and emotions that are scattered and messy?  Sure, right now I do when everything is raw and there’s a lot of unknown ahead, but when do I make the subtle shift from “Yeah, that sucks,” to “Hey, have you gone outside today?”

This news, of course, also started a conversation between my wife and I about marriage.  I’m not worried about our marriage, I think we’re both open and honest with one another to talk before things got to that point.  But it did start some good talks about relationships, both ours and those around us, and what we see as good and bad parts.

We’re both peeling away layers this winter.  I’ve got some stability in my working life, and looking outward and inward with the extra energy.  How do I want to look?  How do I want to feel?  How do I incorporate those things into a spiritual and prayer life?  Kelly’s (not her real name) peeling back layers about what she wants from a career, how to take care of her body and what it means to be feminine when your body doesn’t always feel the way you want it to feel.

So we’re both peeling back some pretty extensive layers that, of course, affect our marriage.  In the past two months, we’ve had huge talks about clothes, money, sex, free time, religion and just general day to day things.  It’s not always easy, but we’re trying to redefine ourselves while figuring out how those redefinitions work within our marriage.  A lot of complexity and a lot of plates spinning at the same time, but these are such good conversations to have.

Ogres, and people, are a lot like onions

Around my senior year at XU, I went through a personal renascence.  I’ve described parts of it here and how it related to my old relationships, but it really reached further than that.  It changed my appearance, solidified my faith in God, obliterated my career path, shifted friendships and introduced me to the wonderful woman who eventually became my wife.  

This metamorphosis didn’t come quickly or painlessly.  Again, it involved getting out of a not-so-great relationship, which, while needed, was painful at the time.  I lost more friends than I gained and had to really look at how some of my behavior didn’t match up with my new found values.

I mention this, because I feel like I’m on the edge of another personal renascence.  Where I take stock in the different parts of my life, reassess myself and embrace these changes.  This has been stirring around in my mind for while, and probably, subconsciously, why I started this blog.  A chance to take stock, look around and make sure I am who I want to be, and, not to get to Christiany on you, who God wants me to be.

I wish I could say the muse for this post was some life altering realization, where the clouds parted and I suddenly knew it was time to peel away a layer.  Sadly, or not so sadly, the catalyst for all of this was this great pair of shoes.

I visited a vintage consignment shop with my wife the other day and found them, in my size, for $15.  I’ve literally worn the same shirts for the last 4 years without any kind of problem.  Switched between sneakers, boots for snow and Chaco sandals in the summer.  I wear 2 pairs of pants regularly and have owned the same shorts for more than 5 years.  

So what possessed me to purchase somewhat trendy shoes that I have no experience wearing?  I have no idea.  Something just sparked when I saw these brown wingtips.  Heck, I have no idea what kind of clothes to wear with them or where I’d wear them, but, bottom line, they’re pretty cool shoes.  That was enough for me to buy them, bring them home and wonder, “What the heck am I going to do with these?”

I’ve got some ideas on where to go with this, and peeling back this layer involves a lot more than fashion sense.  Look for more updates on where Layer Peeling 2012 takes me.