I don't have a passion, I'm passionate

Being a Cleveland fan in Minnesota makes it difficult to talk Tribe with anyone other than my wife.  She’s not an Indians fan, native Minnesotan so she loves her some Twins, but she understands how important it is for me to have someone to grumble to when we blow 9th innings or some *cough Sizemore cough* ends up on the DL, again.  

So she listened politely as we rustled through the Sunday morning paper (we, like everyone under 40, get most of our news from the internet, but I love newspapers too much to give up on them entirely), sipped our coffee and I explained how important last night’s game was to Cleveland baseball.

As entertaining as Eric Wedge’s facial tics were as he sat motionless in the dugout in the early 2000s, having a team that shows actual passion out on the field is wonderful.  I agree with similar tweets that I’m much more comfortable seeing where this kind of emotional energy leads us instead of relying on even keel baseball stats to win games.

When Gomez hit Moustakas and got ejected in the third, it showed a passionate side to the Indians that we haven’t seen in a while. Then, when Choo hit the go ahead double? That's right, a passionate side that actually wins games. Wins. Games. I love that intensity. I want to see it from all athletes, from my 9th grade lacrosse team to professionals making millions of dollars.  I know it’s a business, but lets see some excitement out there.

Wedge was all about stats.  Lets all play the same every day and statistically we’ll beat them in the long haul.  Whenever we saw his teams get too excited, in one direction or another, they fell apart.  Every time.  Plus the riffs within the teams showed that not everyone can put on the emotionless mask as easily as others.  Remember Cliff Lee throwing his glove into the stands?  Or when he shat all over Cleveland fans after being traded to the Phillies?  How about the Brandon Phillips mess?  

Time and again, the Indians didn’t know what to do with passionate guys who didn’t fit the mold Wedge was trying to build.  That mold though?  It lost big games, because people get excited about big games.  Hell, WE WANT THEM TO GET EXCITED ABOUT BIG GAMES.  I want someone who has the same passion I do for Cleveland baseball and then go perform.  Not a robot who reaches a big point and collapses under the stress of the situation and the stress of keeping his emotions in check.

Let’s get excited out there and have some fun, and I’m glad Acta’s style plays into that mindset.

There's always next year...

Every season I get excited about Cleveland Indians baseball.  The crack of bats and the smack the ball makes when it sails into a leather glove from across the field.  There are plenty of better love letters written about baseball than I’d be able to muster here, but I thought I’d break out a little timeline for any other tribe fans to reminisce.  

1990s - I know this was the era of great baseball in Cleveland, but I’ll be honest, I was pretty young for most of the glory days.  Plus, living so close to Cincinnati left me with just as much daily information about the Reds than the Tribe.  I went to a few more Tribe games than Reds games (my family being from Cleveland) but overall this was kind of a blur for me.

2003 - This was the first time I’ve ever sat down to watch almost all of the games on TV.  My dad and I spent the summer watching baseball, talking baseball and breathing Cleveland baseball.  We knew the team wasn’t going to amount to much, but I remember being intrigued by their professed plan to evaluate before win.  They knew they couldn’t really compete, so they left pitchers in when they should have taken them out to “see what they do in that situation.”  Infuriating for the casual fan who wants to win, but fascinating to see the young players evolve over time.  

2004 - Much like 2003, this was still a very young team that started to show a lot of promise.  CC, Westbrook, the acrobatic Ronnie Belliard and Victor Martinez were more fun to watch than their 80-82 record let on.  Kazuhito Tadano threw his 50 mph curveball.  I watched almost every game on TV again this season and had a blast watching young talent materialize into something before my eyes

How does someone so overweight make moves like this?  One of the many mysteries of Indians baseball

2005 - This fun team became more fun when they won 93 games but, heartbreakingly, didn’t make the playoffs.  Grady Sizemore appeared and everything clicked in a lot of ways.  Eric Wedge still drove my Dad crazy (Wedge coaches by the stats, not by the feel of the game.  And he constantly changed his lineup, something my Dad just abhors about modern baseball).  

Two Milkduds short of 300 pounds.  

2006 - An off year that felt like a mirage.  This team took huge steps forward in ‘03, ‘04 and seemed to come into their own in ‘05 only to take some steps backwards this season.  They ended up 78-84 and left everyone a little nervous.  This year started my trend of seeing an occasional game on TV, but mostly following them on XM radio and the internet.

2007 - This was the year.  Everything clicked, we won 96 games and were one win away from the world series.  One.  win.  away.  Damn Redsox.

It really angers me that people say he shortened his career by "playing all out, everyday."  What the hell else is someone supposed to do when getting paid millions of dollars to play a game?

2008 - I remember having misgivings at the start of the season.  People were going nuts, convinced our 96 wins in 2007 would continue, but they made no moves in the offseason.  None.  And I really think a team’s responsibility is to make themselves better each off season, not just to keep the status quo.  81-81.  A big step backwards, plus we lost CC.  The end of this latest rebuilding era was coming.

2009 - Lee is traded, and the wheels fall off.  65-97.  Eric Wedge is fired and the rebuilding is officially labeled a failure in my mind.  Sure it brought some great players and teams to the North Coast, but they underperformed and only occasionally clicked.

2010 - 69-93, and suddenly the last 20ish years of good baseball in Cleveland gives way to feelings that we’re destined to having another 30 slump.  

2011 - I’ll be honest, I, like a lot of people, had no idea what to make of this team.  They exploded last year at the beginning of the season and over performed, followed quickly by a looooong stretch of underperforming.  80-82.

2012 - I’m excited to see what they do this year, but my pessimistic gut says the underperforming is more accurate than the early season over performing.  I don’t trust the offense and even though Chris Perez was a machine last year, he looks pretty out of shape in his limited Spring Training.

But I’m still excited, I can’t help it.  The grass, the smacking of leather gloves, the crack of the bats, the arcs of the balls.  I love them all.  I love my Tribe, even if they just break my heart.

Chicago Reflection #2

A difficult thing for me is keeping my mind moving in active directions, as apposed to passively waiting for things to come to it.

I grew up in a quiet house, where watching TV and playing video games were almost always okay. I have strong memories of settling in each night at 7pm to watch TV for 2-3 hours before going to bed. Every night. I had plenty of activities outside my home to keep me active, but once inside, my eyes glazed over and my brain turned into passive mush.

When I’m passive, I’m waiting for things to come to me and I’m grumpy towards
anything and anyone asking me to break out of my rut. Early on, the depressing isolation I created for myself in college felt like a tomb.  The overwhelmingly active environment sent me spinning back to my dorm room to watch TV and cruise online (but not, sadly, to study).  People were always coming and going, and the only way to fall into my passive glaze involved isolating myself from their energy. That isolation became suffocating and only with the help of God and good people did I manage to break out of my stupor.

I’m not nearly that passive anymore, and I’ve come a long way in the last 10 years, but remaining active can still be challenging for someone who’s natural fallback is passivity. I’ve found things like having a people-centered job, exercising and not watching too much TV help me remain active, but lately I’ve been feeling out of balance again. I need to readjust my active and passive levels for this new and improved version of myself.

Things like personal appearance, sexuality and internet use still live in passive worlds and I’d like to find better balances for them. Right now with these topics, I sit back, let my brain go to mush and take whatever comes my way. Instead I want to be really intentional on how I approach these things and encounter them in my daily life.

I’m probably not going to discuss my sexuality too much on the web (I’m still a MidWesterner for God’s sake), but this blog offers a great way to focus my web use into something productive and enjoyable (as opposed to mindless and enjoyable). It also encourages me to follow through on the things I talk about. Accountability seems to rise when something is published, even when published on a blog on the internet.

Chicago Reflection #1

For my birthday, Kelly and I left our little house in Minneapolis and trekked to the
big city of Chicago for a weekend. Well, she has a work conference here, so it wasn’t
entirely for my birthday, but, either way, that means I have two days on my own in
the big city, and I’m doing my best not to waste them.

I love traveling and being in new cities, it reenergizes me and makes operate on
levels I may not reach in my day to day at home. We visited Austin a few years ago
and I loved the down-home feel mixed with city chic that emanated from everything.
We actually arrived the weekend after SXSW, and the entire city felt relaxed and
content. We slipped in, slipped out and loved every minute.

Chicago, of course, has a different feel than Austin or Minneapolis. It’s more
Midwest with an east coast polish than anything else.

The energy I get from these streets as I visit vintage clothing stores, used book
stores, hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurants and a posh downtown Indian
restaurant, is one of active energy. A determination by everyone and everything to
use every moment within the day as an expression of one’s self.

I do recognize that we’re staying in a hotel we wouldn’t normally be comfortable
affording (conference discount) in an area where most stores, restaurants and
homes signify a level of wealth I’ll never experience. I also recognize a lot of the
outward polish and confidence I see comes from that wealth and isn’t always
authentic.

Still, though, there’s a vibrancy here I want to internalize before I leave. One that
would exhaust me if I lived it every day, but propels me when taken in small doses.

Breaking up is hard to do

Whew,

Kind of a rough week here.  One of my very best friends found himself starting a “trial separation”  with his wife of 5ish years.  While many of us who’ve known them had an idea there were issues, the news was a shock to him.

I was the Best Man at their wedding, helped them move and everything else that happens when people are close.  Now he’s oscillating between devastatingly sad and self-righteously angry.  We’ve had a few conversations and shared some texts.  I’m not sure if I’ve been supportive enough or too prodding or too blunt, but I’m doing my best to support someone I really care about from a distance.

As a counselor, it’s created a slight discord in my head.  I’m lucky enough that I’ve helped more people through difficult times as a counselor than as a friend, so I’m constantly wondering where that elusive line lies during my conversations with him.  As friend, I know I need to be supportive, but do I support behavior and emotions that are scattered and messy?  Sure, right now I do when everything is raw and there’s a lot of unknown ahead, but when do I make the subtle shift from “Yeah, that sucks,” to “Hey, have you gone outside today?”

This news, of course, also started a conversation between my wife and I about marriage.  I’m not worried about our marriage, I think we’re both open and honest with one another to talk before things got to that point.  But it did start some good talks about relationships, both ours and those around us, and what we see as good and bad parts.

We’re both peeling away layers this winter.  I’ve got some stability in my working life, and looking outward and inward with the extra energy.  How do I want to look?  How do I want to feel?  How do I incorporate those things into a spiritual and prayer life?  Kelly’s (not her real name) peeling back layers about what she wants from a career, how to take care of her body and what it means to be feminine when your body doesn’t always feel the way you want it to feel.

So we’re both peeling back some pretty extensive layers that, of course, affect our marriage.  In the past two months, we’ve had huge talks about clothes, money, sex, free time, religion and just general day to day things.  It’s not always easy, but we’re trying to redefine ourselves while figuring out how those redefinitions work within our marriage.  A lot of complexity and a lot of plates spinning at the same time, but these are such good conversations to have.

Doing the winter shuffle

It's entered that point in winter where I'm just waiting for Spring, which is sad because this has been the easiest winter in Minnesota that I've ever experienced.  We've been above freezing more than below it, and there's been almost no snow whatsoever.

Still, it's chilly, and I want to build some gardens in our new backyard, go running on the weekends and bike to work during the week.  All of which would be possible in the winter, I guess, but I'm a weeny.

Winter doesn't mean we have to eat ugly foods, though.  I love to eat with the seasons, and root vegetables, for the most part, aren't known for their visual appeal.  It seems unfair doesn't it?  When everything else is dreary and gray, it seems like food should offer an alternative.  I think it does if you search for it and don't give in to the easy appeal of processed foods.  I found this recipe off of 101cookbooks.com, one of my favorite websites to find yummy vegetarian ideas, and decided to give it a try.

Some purple and green cabbage, mixed with some onion, carrots and parsley.

I did mess up the recipe, so it didn't turn out super well.  It calls for roasted sesame seeds and tahini.  We had tahini but no sesame seeds, but we figured it didn't matter since tahini is sesame seeds and that maybe the roasted sesame was just for visual appeal.  Nope, I made it, we ate it and agreed it was definitely missing something like a roasted seed or nut of some kind, just for an extra flavor boost.  Oh well, next time I guess.

(Sorry for the picture quality of this last one)

Ogres, and people, are a lot like onions

Around my senior year at XU, I went through a personal renascence.  I’ve described parts of it here and how it related to my old relationships, but it really reached further than that.  It changed my appearance, solidified my faith in God, obliterated my career path, shifted friendships and introduced me to the wonderful woman who eventually became my wife.  

This metamorphosis didn’t come quickly or painlessly.  Again, it involved getting out of a not-so-great relationship, which, while needed, was painful at the time.  I lost more friends than I gained and had to really look at how some of my behavior didn’t match up with my new found values.

I mention this, because I feel like I’m on the edge of another personal renascence.  Where I take stock in the different parts of my life, reassess myself and embrace these changes.  This has been stirring around in my mind for while, and probably, subconsciously, why I started this blog.  A chance to take stock, look around and make sure I am who I want to be, and, not to get to Christiany on you, who God wants me to be.

I wish I could say the muse for this post was some life altering realization, where the clouds parted and I suddenly knew it was time to peel away a layer.  Sadly, or not so sadly, the catalyst for all of this was this great pair of shoes.

I visited a vintage consignment shop with my wife the other day and found them, in my size, for $15.  I’ve literally worn the same shirts for the last 4 years without any kind of problem.  Switched between sneakers, boots for snow and Chaco sandals in the summer.  I wear 2 pairs of pants regularly and have owned the same shorts for more than 5 years.  

So what possessed me to purchase somewhat trendy shoes that I have no experience wearing?  I have no idea.  Something just sparked when I saw these brown wingtips.  Heck, I have no idea what kind of clothes to wear with them or where I’d wear them, but, bottom line, they’re pretty cool shoes.  That was enough for me to buy them, bring them home and wonder, “What the heck am I going to do with these?”

I’ve got some ideas on where to go with this, and peeling back this layer involves a lot more than fashion sense.  Look for more updates on where Layer Peeling 2012 takes me.